The Suffering Servant
Someone asked me a question today that got me to thinking … “Happy Sunday, Jodi. If you don’t mind me asking … I know you love the beach. What else do you enjoy doing for fun? (can’t answer cruising in a convertible). Where would you like to be a year from now in life?”
As I considered this, and how to honestly answer, I became very aware of what is going on inside of me.
A few days ago, it occurred to me that I am in one of those “vomit” seasons. You know how athletes occasionally vomit before a big game? Last night, as I was watching “Soul on Fire,” the main character vomited before his first public speaking engagement.
Yeah … that’s me.
I cannot recall a season like this, where I feel literally nauseous at times, but it’s real.
As I thought about how to answer these questions about my life and future, it dawned on me … the ONLY way to move forward AUTHENTICALLY is to be brutally honest … with MYSELF.
As I am typing this, I looked up to see EMPOWER Field on the Championship game with the word MORE flashing beneath it. Ugh. There is a constant battle raging in my soul these days … between feeling called to be EMPOWERED for MORE … and longing for complete silence where my soul can truly rest and heal.
An extended season of chronic stress sucked the lifeblood right out of me. I have days when I feel super excited about life and others when I am just exhausted from it all. My nervous system randomly reminds me that I am (occasionally) still on high alert. When I get raw and real with myself, I realize that I need more time … to heal and to rebuild from a decade of hard stuff.
It’s like running right now. I have been a runner all of my life. I cracked my kneecap last May, and it slowed me down. I am not ready to run as fast as I want to run. Most of the time, my mind tells me I can, then my body reminds me to take it slow. The battle rages on - spirit, soul, and body.
It’s just the season I am in. It won’t last forever, thankfully. My heart won’t always be on a rollercoaster, thankfully. I won’t always wince and ache and cry, thankfully. It won’t always hurt - running and living, that is.
But this is what happens when trauma is being expelled and expunged. This is what life looks like when you are in recovery and restoration mode. And it’s okay.
When I get really honest with myself, I realize it makes me tired to try to keep up with the Jones’ … in life and in business.
I just want to be steady and faithful in all God puts before me. I want to glorify Him with my heart and speech and work. I want to enjoy life. And I want to heal.
I want to be still and know that He is God.
I want to operate from rest and live from grace. I lived too many years striving and performing, trying to earn what God says is already mine. The attention and affection of others is temporary, but the pleasure of living in His Presence is eternal.
I want peace to be my guide and love to be my fortress. I want to know that I know that I know, every moment of every day - even in the stretching and discomfort of the season - that I am my Beloved’s, and He is mine (Song of Solomon 6:3). That confidence is the greatest assurance of my life, being known and loved by the One who chose me before the beginning of time. He fully accepts me - right here, right now - and that calms me in ways words cannot describe.
Life has hundreds of seasons.
I have lived long enough to know there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I know myself well enough to know that I do not give up, and I WILL WIN. I trust the process with my whole heart. And I trust the One who holds my heart. But none of that guarantees good days, all day every day. I know this season. It is painful at times. It is unpredictable at times. It is amazing and glorious and beautiful at times. And honestly … at times … it just IS. It’s not good … it’s not great … it’s not bad or awful … it just IS. It IS what it IS … and I accept that.
I know the benefits and fruit of right thinking. I understand the necessity of getting my “mind right.” I believe in the supernatural power of God’s Word and the Truth that sets captives free. And I also know these verses:
Romans 8:17 … “… and if children, then heirs - heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together.”
Philippians 3:10 … “… that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, …”
1 Peter 4:12-13 … “Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ’s sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy.”
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 … “Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.”
In Isaiah 52 and 53, Jesus is known as The Suffering Servant. We cannot escape this reality. It defines our Savior. Yes, He was a Servant … the Greatest of them all! But He also suffered, severely, more than most of us will ever experience or understand. And apart from some suffering in this life, we cannot fully know Him. So why would I ever deny my suffering? I live and long to KNOW HIM. Jesus did not have all happy days. Yes, He counted it all JOY. Yes, He trusted the process. But He did sweat great drops of blood along the way. And He carried a cross.
Jesus had some hard days … but He did not let them WIN.
His victory was rooted and grounded in purpose and in trusting the One who had a plan that far surpassed anything the human mind could fathom or imagine.
Friend … I don’t know what your process looks like. But if suffering is involved in this season, I want to encourage you to embrace it. Do not run from it, try to escape it, or stay so busy that you miss what God wants to say and do in it. Do not pretend it doesn’t exist. And do not be ashamed of it.
Your cross has His Name on it, Beloved.
And honestly … that is enough.
“Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.” - James 4:8